It's Been a Year...

...since you left this world. You see a gaping hole in my soul? You took it with you. A part of me will always be yours, like I keep some parts of you deep inside. 

Many people have asked us, how is it that we could be friends? I don't know. I just knew that from the first moment we wrote emails to each other, we formed a bond that even death (hopefully) couldn't break. We knew that we could rely on each other. 

I will remember, I will always remember. The laughter we shared, the tears we shed. All these years, we have accumulated layers upon layers of memories. You are irreplaceable. You are one of a kind. You taught me a lot, you helped me grow and become a better person. Thank you, Shin Yu, thank you.

This is what I wrote in Facebook, to remember you:

A year ago, you left us.

You told me you were lucky. You knew death was coming, and death would knock at your door in near future. So you were prepared. You finally found God and peace, and I was happy for it. You embraced the inevitable, and in a way, I was envious of you.

My caring, beautiful Shin Yu...

I've known you for many years. You were there when I fell in love. You were also there when he hurt me so, when he finally showed his true colors (and no, they weren't pretty). You were there when I found the one, when I married him and started a family with him. I'd like to think that I was there for you too, during your happy and not-so-happy times. We were and still are best friends.

A year later, when your husband told me about your passing, it took a minute or two before it dawned on me. You left this world. I broke into tears, because I was selfish. I did not think of you first, Shin Yu. I thought about ME first. What about me? You left, and I'd never be able to see you. Talk to you. A part of me died that day...

And then, slowly I understood what it meant. It meant you were free. You no longer had to endure the pain. You no longer had to take medications that rendered you almost comatose. You were free to move on. And somehow, I believe one day we will meet again.

It's been a year. Many things have changed. Your boys are bigger now, and they are great role models to their cousins. I am saying this not because I am their Indonesian mom, not because I love them so. I am stating the truth, because that is what I perceive. Your boys are in good hands.

Your husband is better now, I think. He was devastated when you left. He did not have to tell me this. I know how much he loves you, how he values you. Now he is starting to accept it. He knows it's the best for you. I am keeping my promise, Shin Yu. I always pray for your husband and sons.

We miss you. And remembering you still brings pain. Eventually it will fade, and we can remember you with a smile.

I'd like to picture you somewhere on the clouds, talking with my Mama. I imagine you are smiling, so radiant and happy, so free.

Until we meet again.

One word to describe you, my friend: 忘れられない.

I love you, Nina Higa.