A Glimpse of the Past

Yesterday a friend of mine, Nengti, called from Germany. We went to elementary school, junior high, then high school together. It is a curious thing... it's been what, almost ten years? Yet when we talked on the phone, we sounded like schoolgirls again. Using slangs and obsolete expressions from our hometown, laughing over mundane matters. Making me remember many things. Things that made me the way I am now.

My teenager years were far from being idyllic. I wasn't beautiful, popular, or smart. I was different. And I wasn't afraid to show it. In my place back then, it was a sin. You were expected to go with the flow. I didn't agree. Other girls wore tiny earrings. I wore big, dangling ones. Other students preferred to sit in the back, talking to each other. I chose to sit in the front, paying attention to the teachers, asking when necessary. Other girls let their hair loose, or at least, tie them. I plaited my hair. Perhaps I was rebellious. Or maybe my taste was different.

I still remember the day when I decided to be an individual. I was still in senior high school, second grade. My class wanted to make class jackets or sweaters. We made a vote. More students voted for jackets. However, some students decided that it'd be better to make sweaters. Why? Because another class was making sweaters, that was why!

I objected. We voted for jackets, how come now they decided to make sweaters? Nengti also didn't agree. The sweater cost about 50k rupiahs apiece. We didn't feel like wasting our money for something we didn't want. 50k might not seem much now, but it was a lot of money back then.

I remember, two or three classmates also didn't agree. But other classmates chose to confront only Nengti and I. For whatever reasons, I had no idea. Maybe they thought Nengti and I eventually would agree to make the sweaters. I wouldn't know.

Then when we had our school break, other classmates (except the ones refusing to make class sweaters) surrounded us. The girls took their distance, but the boys came closer and closer. One boy asked us in a loud voice to make the sweaters with them. I said that Nengti and I had made it clear, we didn't want to be a part of this. He began to shout, threatening us, calling us names, saying we should be in this together, 'cause like it or not, we happened to be in the same class. I calmly said, no, thank you for the offer, but no. Then he began to be violent. He banged his fist on the table.

I was too stunned to do or say anything. My first impulse was to cry. Yet when I saw Nengti, she was also on the verge of tears. I bit my lips, my ego surfaced, saying to myself, "You should be strong. Don't give them the satisfaction to see you cry." I swallowed my own tears. Looking determined and unafraid, I banged the table with my palm. "The answer is still no," I said calmly, looking directly in his eyes. I then looked around, memorizing the faces of the classmates. The ones that I considered friends just stood there, mutely. They didn't even try to say anything to defend or even, comfort us. Eventually they left us alone. Yet this anger remained. I vowed to be an individual. I made an oath to be independent. I wouldn't care what others think of me, as long as they don't disturb me.

Now I can be an individualist, an independent woman, even, and be appreciated because of that. The funny world we live in...