How to Survive Dealing with Customs Officials

Two days ago I had to go to Bandung's central post office. I received a package from Holland containing seeds that, in their own term, were suspicious-looking. So I went there. I had to ask four officials first before they managed to show me the direction to take to the customs office. It was way in the back. Needless to say I was quite lost. I had to ask three people for directions before I was finally ushered to a small, cramped room that smelt of stale coffee and tobacco.

First Official: Do you know what you have received from Holland, Ma'am?
Me: (confused) From the letter that you sent me, I gathered that somebody sent me seeds.
First Official: Aha! So you admit that you asked somebody in Holland to send you some seeds.
Me: I didn't say that. I didn't even know who sent me the seeds. I only know from the letter that you sent me.
First Official: Well. Somebody from Holland sent you some seeds that we cannot identify.
Me: (Have a sinking feeling that this is getting nowhere.)
First Official: Can you identify the seeds?
Me: (Fighting to keep myself calm.) I can't. I haven't even seen the seeds yet.
First Official: Oh. (Opening the package containing the seeds.)
Me: (Looking at the seeds in a pot carefully.) Well, sir, I have no idea what this is.
First Official: We haven't either, that is why we're calling you here.
Me: (Looking at the short letter and the packaging.) Maybe they're the seeds for Holland crocus? It says so on the package.
First Official: (Looking at me smugly.) We know that already.

After twenty minutes of intense interrogation, they were satisfied. They asked me to buy a 6,000 materai in a locket then make a letter stating that the seeds were to be used for my own benefit, and, should they caused any ill-effects, I wouldn't sue the postal service.

Back to the front part of the post office again. Had to ask a couple of officials before I was able to buy it. Then I returned to the customs office, writing a letter, signing it, affixing the materai, then handing it to the first official. Another official wrapped the whole package, saying that I should pay Rp. 7,000 to an official in the front part of the post office.

On our way there, the second offical stated blatantly that I should pay a thank-you fee to them for releasing the seeds. "We ought to put these seeds to quarantine first, you know, but in this case we decide to relent. So it's only fitting that you should give us some money." Those were his own very words. I rummaged through my purse, found a ten thousand note, then gave it to him. He complained, saying that it wasn't enough. I applied one of my best skills: acting dumb, pretending not to understand him. (it helps a lot when you're good-looking. Some people still think that beautiful girls are airheads.)

The whole process took no less than thirty minutes. I emerged from the post office a free woman, carrying the package that was rightfully mine. It contained a short letter from my dear sister in Holland, Monique Poulussen, Holland crocus seeds and a ceramic pot, and an elegant party bag.

In a nutshell, if you have to deal with these annoying, money-hungry people, it is best to:
1. Agree to whatever they say, no matter how silly it is. If they say you're stupid, agree whole-heartedly. But never ever agree when they demand more money. Pretend not to hear them at this point.

2. Play dumb.

3. Hone your skill in emotional blackmail.

4. Be charming. Praise and thank them for every thing they do or say.

5. Dress accordingly. Don't be an extremist. Avoid looking like a street urchin or a wealthy person. Wear neutral colors like brown, beige, navy, etc.

The sad thing is, I know, sooner or later I'll receive another letter of notification, meaning, I have to deal with these annoying people again. I might use a different tactic next time. Oh well. It's like a constant battle where you're expected to lose.